Two Catholic Boys

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next pope.

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!

Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

Think you are smart...?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years
2. Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador
3. From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs
7. What was King George VI's first name? *Albert
8. What color is a purple finch? *Crimson
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand
10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? *Orange

What do you mean you failed?

Pass this on to some other brilliant friends....wild quiz

Nursing Home

That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is a city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So... When I reach the Golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: THE HOLIDAY INN!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1 God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1 My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1 Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1 About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

THE END!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

A Sweet Irish Cookie Story... this is beautiful.....
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"Back off!" she yelled, "They're for the funeral!"

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• The Pastor will preach his farewell sermon on Sunday evening after which the choir will sing: 'THANKS' be to God.'
• Please pray for those SICK of our parish.
• The PEACEMAKING meeting scheduled for tonight has been canceled due to a CONFLICT!!!!!
• 'Ladies don't forget the rummage sale, it is an opportunity of getting rid of things you don't want around the house. DON'T FORGET YOUR HUSBANDS.'
• BERTHA BELCH A MISSIONARY FROM AFRICA WILL SPEAK TONIGHT AT ST. MARK'S CHURCH. DO COME AND HEAR BERTHA BELCH ALL THE WAY FROM AFRICA
• The eight-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement Thursday night at 8pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help
• There will be a potluck supper on Sunday evening 5pm - prayer and MEDICATION to follow.
• Mr. Bragger Knowall sang 'I will not pass this way again' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

WHAT? YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER! WOW AND WOW WOW AGAIN! ASK YOUR PARENTS.

OR

IF MARY HAD TWO LITTLE BLACK LAMBS AND TWO LITTLE WHITE LAMBS, HOW WOULD THE FIRST LITTLE BLACK LAMB, BE RELATED TO THE LAST LITTLE WHITE LAMB?

1. There are no trains in church but you will find?
2. You may get your fingers wet if you try?
3. They are not Sparrows or Robins but they could be Larks?
4. Children often call it a house but it is correctly named 'leacbnreat'?
5. You don't have to pluck it's strings to make it's sounds?
6. They are no Hussers or Pushers but they do a special job?
7. It is not a library but one speaks softly?
8. You maybe out of breath but not from these?
9. They also serve who stand and wait?
10. He dresses there but you cannot see him there where?